MATT LEE / ANNUAL ENDOWMENTS AVAILABLE AT PANOPTICON COMMUNITY COLLEGE
The Caroline Lumb Allen ‘59 and Candace Finkenbiner Lumb ‘30 Scholarship
Est. 1987. Awarded annually to students showing strong promise in the sciences, particularly those who have embarked on experimentation resulting in the total quantum breakdown of their physical being due to anomalous phase shifts according to Hertz-Boehner’s Law.
The Maria Shortiss Allan ‘59 Scholarship Fund
Est. 2002. Based on financial need, awarded annually to a student concentrating in primate sociology, with preference given to veterans of the Ape Wars.
The N.W. Lantz and Bertha McCall, Class of 1906, Alumnae Scholarship
Est. 1912. In memory of the late honorable Lt. Cpl. Lantz and his mistress Bertha, killed by the rightfully disgruntled Mrs. Lantz as the lovers bathed in a four-star Baltimore hotel suite, which Mrs. Lantz breached upon bribing a maid with a package of her renowned homemade peanut butter fudge, proceeding to bludgeon her husband and his mistress to death with a bronze lamp.
The K.H. Alwine Scholarship
Est. 1955. For students ordained in the Church of the Dolphin, with a required circumcision component in concert with freshman orientation.
The Mary-Kate Antony ’74 Scholarship
Est. 2007 by Suzanne K. Whaley to honor her sophomore-year roommate, Mary-Kate Antony ‘74, killed in a train accident caused by a barbiturate-laden conductor who nodded off in the caboose, derailing the fifty-car rail at a speed of 125MPH, resulting in the total casualties of all 312 passengers when the train careened into a gulch, though out of these 312 unlucky souls, only one Miss Antony has had the good fortune of becoming an endowment’s namesake.
The Shella Seigal Ash ’53 Scholarship
Est. 2018. Awarded to a student identified as a would-be school shooter to assuage violent urges with financial compensation.
The Anaïs McCusker Barnhard ’23 Scholarship
Est. 1961. Made possible through a bequest from Miss Barnhard, who made her fortune selling stolen antiquities on the international black market. To be awarded to a fine arts major with a petty criminal record.
The Larry Hendershot Bastian ’50 Scholarship
Est. 1982. Awarded to a nursing student who is willing to donate a pint of blood to Henrietta Hospital on a weekly basis until graduation.
The Dr. Regina C. Beckham ’17 Scholarship
Est. 1963. Per Dr. Beckham’s instructions, this award should be offered to biology majors who have had near death experiences resulting from natural disasters (excluding famine).
The Nettie D. Bentley ’28 Music Scholarship
Est. 1989. Music majors may apply for this scholarship after demonstrating an ability to perform the late Mrs. Bentley’s Concerto for Seven Needles without succumbing to complete mental ruin thereafter.
The Betty Bruce Borgerding ’35 Scholarship Fund
Est. 1992. In memory of Mrs. Borgerding’s sister-in-law, who was devoured by hounds while picking peppers in remote Schezuan (without a permit).
The Olive Q. Bowlin ’19 Endowed Scholarship
Est. 1933. Awarded to three students who agree to spend four semesters sequestered to sensory deprivation tanks under the constant influence of LSD, and who must collectively maintain a minimum average 3.0 GPA.
The Layla Eaton Butler ’47 Scholarship
Est. 2019. To qualify, the student must have at least one prosthetic limb, false teeth and a metal plate fixed in their skull.
The Chug Scholarship
Est. 2006. Eligible students must have financial need and are required to chug twelve beers and drive across state lines without wrecking their vehicle.
The Class of 1932 Scholarship
Est. 1998. In memory of the “Lost Class,” all 120 of whom vanished from campus one night without explanation and were never heard from again.
The Anna Holler Cone ’38 and Frances Feller ’39 Scholarship
Est. 2014. Awarded to a student who agrees to wear a highly sexualized cone (designed by disgraced French architect Loudon Mierot) around their neck each morning from 7 to 9 a.m., permitting themselves to be verbally degraded (but never touched in observance of Title XII).
The Father Albert Crispo Scholarship
Est. 2001. Reserved for the victims of Father Crispo (too numerous to list).
The Katrina Cutshall ’24 Scholarship
Est. 1987. Originally a home economics scholarship, the award has been revised in recent years to reflect the values of our current age, and is subsequently eligible for students majoring in discipline and punishment.
The Melanie and Theodore Deforest Scholarship Fund
Est. 1999. True to their name, the Deforests ravaged countless acres of jungle in the Amazon to fuel their timber empire. Herself cursed with a barren womb, Melanie Deforest had several children specially carved from felled acacia trees and doted on these splintery nightmares as if the mannequins were alive.
The Donna Ditty Memorial Scholarship
Est. 1967. Donna Ditty died doing dishes downtown despite Dr. Dortamer’s declaration Donna desist directly due damages done denying Dürer’s Disease diagnosis.
The Lee and Marie Roulette Downs ’77 Early Childhood Education Scholarship
Est. 2012. Awarded to a student who survives placing a single bullet in the College’s official revolver, spinning the chamber, placing the barrel to his or her or their head and pulling the trigger without flinching.
The Willis and Sandra T. Drenning ’49 Scholarship
Est. 1993. Though a significant trust has been set aside in perpetuity, the funds have been barred for release indefinitely due to a typo in the late Mr. and Mrs. Drenning’s will.
The Elfin-Kawecki Scholarship Fund
Est. 1915. Female majors in political science may apply on the grounds they have served in the French Foreign Legion and/or Al-Qaeda for a term of no less than five years.
The Esselen Family Scholarship Fund
Est. 1981. Former member of the College Board of Trustees, the late Gustavus J. Esselen III, set up this generous full-tuition scholarship for daughters of sea captains presumed lost during the disastrous series of Antarctic expeditions sponsored by the School of Humanities in the mid- 1960s when a resurgence in popularity of the so-called “Hollow Earth Theory” rekindled interest in exploring the South Pole.
The Sally Conrad Fauntleroy Scholarship
Est. 1918. Friends of Miss Sally Conrad Fauntleroy, who served as choir director for several decades, bequeathed this scholarship to music theory majors born without tongues in the hope that their studies may lead them to alternative means of sonic expression.
The Stewart Freudberg Scholarship
Est. 2020. Our least popular financial aid offering due in part to the community’s intense hatred of the late Mr. Freudberg, a notorious womanizer, gambler, drug addict, Libertarian and Holocaust denier, who was nevertheless a man of extraordinary wealth and influence (and surprisingly a staunch supporter of the Liberal Arts).
The Maggie Geiser Memorial Scholarship Fund
Est. 1947. In memory of Maggie’s mother, the poet Elizabeth Primble Geiser, whose collection Conflation of the Rose Hole won the prestigious Jetty Award for excellence in assonance.
The Giles Scholarship
Est. 1952. Awarded annually to students whose upbringing can be described as “feral.”
The M. Fredrica Godshalk, M.D. ’65 Scholarship Fund
Est. 1924. In honor of Helen V. Knorr ’65, a classmate who died from ingesting rare parasites during an ill-fated holiday spent canoeing through the Ganges. Students may apply only on the grounds they agree to recreate the late Miss Knorr’s voyage as an educational outreach endeavor to warn illiterate peasants about the dangers of drinking contaminated water.
The Virginia Shaver Harshman ’41 Scholarship Fund
Est. 2007. Awarded to library science majors based on financial need. Dependent on the successful completion of an oral examination regarding dead languages of the 13th century dialectic ascetics.
The M. Henrietta Costello Hobby ’67 Scholarship
Est. 1967. Former film star Henrietta “Girdle Gal” Hobby left a considerable sum for students majoring in silent film studies who are also lifelong vegetarians (Miss Hobby’s chronic stomach ulcers made it impossible for her to eat meat).
The Nettie McCardell Hoffmeier Scholarship
Est. 1936. Thanks to a bequest from Jean Hoffmeier Roggi, Class of 1898, any student suffering from synesthesia may apply for this award, which covers dining hall expenses, though these credits may only be used on marshmallows, meatloaf, and runny eggs.
The Josephine Everett Hunger ’40 Scholarship
Est. 1990. The late Miss Hunger, who graduated summa cum laude, was the third victim of Davy Hitch–the Skin and Bones Killer. Miss Hunger (ironically) was starved to death while being held captive in a converted shipping container. Her remains were discovered by chance when a pair of meth addicts burglarized said shipping container in the hope of finding valuables to pawn for drug money. They did receive a substantial missing persons reward, which was subsequently annulled due to the hefty fine they received for breaking and entering. The scholarship is intended for students enrolling in the College’s dietician program.
The Kurbyweit Scholarship
Est. 2012. Made possible by a grant from the Kurbyweit Club, an organization shrouded in secrecy and rumored to dabble in arcane, sadomasochistic rituals. The scholarship must be granted on the third full moon of the year to an orphaned virgin who plans to major in theology.
The Dorothy Lundt Lambertus ‘69 Scholarship
Est. 1969. Awarded annually to conservation students who have survived the sting of a Deathstalker Scorpion while conducting field work in the Niqab Desert.
The Lillian Zeigler Lavetan ’18 Scholarship Fund
Est. 1996. Set aside for children whose parents were lost in the Great Jam Factory Fire of ‘95.
The Soren T. Mahaffey ’15 and Naomi Ballard ’49 Scholarship
Est. 1918. Mr. Mahaffey and Ms. Ballard were from two rival families, whose acrimony arose over a land dispute at the turn of the 20th century. They were both killed in a series of skirmishes and reprisals as the families fought for control of 500 acres of fertile vineyards in the Gypsum Valley Basin. The death of Ms. Ballard, tragic though it was, ultimately led to a truce between the warring families, as the land was evenly divided and reparations were delivered from both sides. The scholarship is awarded to students in the school of behavioral health.
The Evelyn Barrick Mahoney ’34 Scholarship
Est. 1950. Reserved for graduate students in the cattle husbandry program who demonstrate the ability to drink a gallon of milk without vomiting.
The Terry Edward and Magdelena Cockram Morse ’64 Scholarship
Est. 1978. In memory of Joanne Ezzard Barksdale, professor emerita of economics, whose unrepentant greed inspired Mr. Edward and Ms. Morse to enlist in several leftist uprisings throughout the world.
The Eleanor Farber Neubauer ’45 Scholarship
Est. 2006. A spiteful scholarship of twenty-five cents created purely as an insult that must nevertheless be officially recognized due to the late Mrs. Neaubauer’s political (and criminal) connections. The twenty-five cents shall be awarded to any student willing to spit on the bronze statue of the College mascot (Peter Pendulum the Panopticon Pelican) which stands in Alumnae Square.
The Rita Walton Paiste ’32 and Ethel Hobson Auf der Heyde ’32 Scholarship Fund
Est. 1992. Miss Paiste and Miss Auf der Heyde died in a lover’s suicide pact in the Chapel Dorm during the last month of spring semester 1932. Their suicide note left instructions for a bequest in the form of funding for room and board. Eligible students must demonstrate either a sesame seed allergy or distaste for neoclassical architecture.
The Charlotte Snyder Rupner ’18 Scholarship
Est. 1989. Awarded to students suffering from somnambulism, in memoriam of the late Miss Rupner, who slept-walked into oncoming traffic one evening during her junior year.
The Kozo and Marsha Hearn Shimano ’86 Scholarship Fund
Est. 2001. Former child soldiers, the Shimano’s met during the second rebellion in the Handskin Peninsula, marrying in the bush at the age of 14. As part of a truth and reconciliation deal, they were acquitted of war crimes on the grounds that they pursued higher education. After a rocky period adjusting to civilian life, the Shimano’s became exceptional students, graduating with honors from the school of theoretical mathematics. The award offers full-tuition for students maimed by landmines in active conflict zones.
The Pamela Frances Gaver Trunk ’64 and Andrew F. Trunk III Endowed Scholarship Fund
Est. 1977. After the Trunk’s tragically succumbed to an outbreak of Fiddler’s Disease during a trans-atlantic cruise, their entire estate was left to the College scholarship fund. Lifelong lovers of the theatre, this award is reserved for students majoring in ballistic mimery.
The Chloe Sizoo Whitenight ’68 Scholarship
Est. 2021. Though Mrs. Whitenight’s intentions remain unclear due to her feeble-minded state in her twilight years, the award in her name has been set aside for doctorate students who are siamese twins separated at birth but only under the condition they agree to be stitched back together again upon enrollment.
Matt Lee is the author of Crisis Actor (tragickal books). His writing has appeared at X-R-A-Y, Occulum, SELFFUCK, Oomph!, Surfaces.cx, Fugitives & Futurists, and elsewhere. He is a founding editor of Ligeia Magazine. He has also produced numerous works for the stage. He lives in Maryland with his wife and son.