JODI BOSIN / 3 POEMS
More of Jodi Bosin’s work appears in Always Crashing Issue Three, now available to order via Bookshop, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and local bookstores everywhere (we particularly like City Lit Books in Chicago and White Whale Books and City of Asylum in Pittsburgh).
Unity of opposites
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The unity of opposites is the central category of dialectics, said to be related to the notion of non-duality in a deep sense.[1] It defines a situation in which the existence or identity of a thing (or situation) depends on the co-existence of at least two conditions which are opposite to each other, yet dependent on each other and presupposing each other, within a field of tension.
(1)
We sat on the end of the bar on Monday and you kept running your fingers along the corner, picking at a triangle shaped spot where the wood had come off. Hands right there and so familiar but so far away. This is an exercise in falling. The way I miss you is white hot and burning, heart in a clenched hand, all day, tense, I am miserable and electric with the feeling of it.
Lately I am restless and aware of everything, the way Spiderman sees and how things slow down in a car crash in a movie. I am angry at you for doing this to me, for telling me you’re sad and keeping busy, I don’t feel sorry, I feel fury. I guess this is why people say we shouldn’t Be Friends. But on the other hand, fuck what everyone else says (except the tarot card reader who told me to follow my intuition). I can’t follow every thought to its conclusion, now, when nothing makes sense. I just Feel and/or fall instead. Here I am, live and in person and in pain.
This morning was a long, long time ago.
(2)
On Saturday the comic book store slash café played Christmas music, many times, many ways. You’re wearing that big grey sweater I loved to borrow, how it swallowed me up and how it smelled like you. Stages of hell I didn’t know existed, imagining never touching you again, chief among them. I’m out of explanations. When did Christmas become another Valentine’s day and the world revolve around romance, spitting it in my face?
There’s a tree in the corner and signs about “Small Business Saturday Sale” on yellow paper taped up everywhere. The small round tables are comic themed, it’s cute, ours is the Captain America shield. I notice a piece of hair behind your ear that’s longer than the rest. The worst thing is the not-knowing, the no-choice of it. My lows are deep and my highs are a manic sense of calm slash hope. I feel everything everywhere and all at once. Furious and desperate, to be your friend and to never see you again. War of opposites.
The universe expands and I am more alive than ever.
EA SPORTS LIVE LULLABY
the feeling of something misplaced / looking for a thing you know is lost / it was right here / i put it right here / where could it have gone / i'm different than i was before / i don’t say sorry anymore / i say what i mean and i don’t take it back / i exfoliate once a week / and when someone offers to do something for me i say okay, thanks / i’m reading on the couch and behind me i hear alex cooking and eating crackers / i do push-ups every day / i like the ambient sounds of my roommates / i burned sage to rid the house of you / it didn’t work, obviously / you’re too deep and i'm trying to keep / there are three to five coffee mugs around the living room at any given time / this used to annoy me but now it’s fine / actually i like it, it reminds me that i'm not alone / nothing bothers me like it used to / after the worst thing happens and i'm still here / you know? / my skin isn’t thin anymore / i'm friends with my co-workers / we get dinner and they make me laugh / i make patches with positive phrases / and write affirmations on a piece of paper i keep in my wallet / where your “i love you” note used to be / i got the wallet the day we broke up actually / i never had a chance to show you / there was a lot i never got to say / alex is playing the soccer video game, the one with the british announcers / it’s dark at 5pm now and what happened to all our plans / from the third floor i hear them playing, faintly, when i fall asleep / he’s one on one with the goalkeeper / the noise is comforting / anchored to something / lullaby
hippocrates
Lately I feel nauseous and every few hours a panic wells up inside me like bile. I’m distracted. Everyone has an opinion but nobody actually knows anything. Especially me. Even just seeing your name in a text makes me ACHE! Lose whatever progress I thought I had made, etc. The power one person can have, and all of it circumstance. I could just have easily met someone else, but I met you, and the space you left is shaped like you and now no one else can fit there. My thoughts take the shape of your face, the first thing I saw on so many mornings, soft from sleep and beautiful, looking at me. My empty hands, your knuckles, knobby in that particular way, okay, you get the idea. I unfollowed you on everything so I don’t see you but I still feel you. I feel everything, under my skin, digested, making me sick. What is on the other side of this, flip the flat earth over, guts. It’s easiest at home when everyone’s around, tungsten light of the lamps, someone laughing and miller high life, a record playing. Dim sum and sun lighting our hair, in a booth by the window, I would die without friends, or maybe I’m already dead. Fear-of-future feeling, all-consuming. Surrounded by everyone else’s relationships. The whole day passed and I didn’t even see it. I was looking for you, but you’re not there.
Jodi Bosin is a graphic designer, artist and writer living in Philadelphia. Like everyone else, she’s lost as hell. You can see more of her work on Instagram, @jodi_bosin, and on her website at jodibosin.com.